WHAT? There was another election?!?
Why didn't anyone tell me?
WHAT? There was another election?!?
Why didn't anyone tell me?
Hmmm, seems like this sore loser needs a nice big helping of shut the fuck up.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Gunslinger:
Hmmm, seems like a sore loser. He needs some of this:.
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
That was a good laugh!
Hehehehe, pretty funny...
Dear Red States,
I?ve been thinking about this for a long time, and
I think it?s time for someone to finally say it. There are two Americas, and it?s about time we face up to the fact that they don?t get along.
Take it from a guy who has been divorced twice: I know when a relationship just isn?t working out.
As a Blue Stater here in the other America, I?ll be the first to say it: it?s time we go our own separate ways. I?m talking Secession.
Now look, we?ve done an admirable job of holding
this thing together since the Civil War, but the truth is, you never really liked us. Come on, admit it: you still refer to us as Yankees and you?re driving around with that bumper sticker that says ?We Don?t Care How You Did It Up North?. Oh, Johnny Reb, I know you?ve tried: you gave it a good shot, but huntin? and hounddogs is still in your blood. And we know how much you love
NASCAR and them Dukes of Hazard reruns. That?s
okay, we can catch racing on TV the same way we
occasionally watch Soccer.
I don?t know why you dislike us so, up in the Blue
states. It was our cities that got attacked. The last time one of your own buildings was bombed it was a good Jesus-loving Christian that did it.
Oh, I know, you always were a little concerned about that McVeigh boy, but that?s whathappens when you let the kids have guns at such a young age. Come to think of it, that Unibomber guy, he was yours too, wasn?t he? Well, fortunately you have plenty of militia to deal with all that now.
This can be amicable. We?ll come to a reasonable
property settlement. We want our CDs back: starting with Springsteen; you can have Merle
Haggard. And Elvis. Especially Elvis. We?ll keep
our bistros and caf??s and fine restaurants and you can have Morrison?s Cafeteria and Moon Pies.
We?ll keep Harvard and Yale and, well, frankly the entire Ivy League ? plus MIT, Carnegie-Mellon, the University of Chicago, Stamford and UCLA and a few others.
We?re not worried, ?cuz we know your young?ns will get a good education at Oral Roberts and Bob Jones
University. And let?s not kid ourselves: the
University of North Texas is a fine institution
and also the home of many ?Girls Gone Wild? winners.
Still, if you insist, we?ll let in a few of your
youngsters, provided they get student visas.
We?ll keep our homeless. You keep the ignorant.
We?ll keep the software, pharmaceutical, financial
services and entertainment industries. You can have Tobacco and Petroleum. We probably won?t need as much gas since an awful lot of us actually take public transportation. We know we have some pollution to clean up, but we figure that
ten years from now after you?ve spilled oil all
over the place, you?ll hire us to come clean yours up too.
Just please don?t screw with Yellowstone, okay?
We?ll keep the Red Sox ? and the Yankees. Come to
think of it, we?ll have most major sports teams. But you?ll always have bass fishin? and high school football.
No, it won?t be easy; a break-up never is. We?ll
miss seeing Florida, no doubt about that. And we know we?re going to have to keep a watchful
eye on Pennsylvania. But we?ll make do with
vacationing in Hawaii. As far as we?re concerned,
you are always welcome to come to New York to see a show, gawk at the tall buildings, and tsk-tsk the homos down in the Village. Provided you have a proper passport and go straight home afterward. No, we?re sorry, we don?t have an Olive Garden in Manhattan; try little Italy, you might be able to find some spaghetti.
Now, seeing as DC is blue, we need to know when
y?all will be moving your government to Odessa; we?d like the White House back. You can set up shop down there on the ranch in Crawford. Please arrange for someone to come get Clarence Thomas. We know you don?t want him, but a deal is a deal and to be honest about it, we?d just as soon not have Ralph Nader, but by all rights he belongs with us, so we?ll find him a seat. Oh, and Poppy?s place up in Kennebunkport? We?re gonna
need yhat back too.
Of course, you have all those BMW and Honda
factories in South Carolina and Tennesee, and we make all the pickup trucks in Detroit. Seems like we ought to swap those, but we?ll have to work that out later.
Anyhow, that?s my modest proposal. Run it past
Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson and Rush and see what they think.
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